Tuesday, February 28, 2017

NEDAwareness Week

Well, here I am, attempting to blog. What better way to kick off an almost two year hiatus than during National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. The goal of #NEDAwareness Week is to shine the spotlight on eating disorders and put life-saving resources into the hand of those in need. This year's theme is It's Time to Talk About It and that's exactly what my intentions are with today's important blog post. For those that have never suffered from an eating disorder, you probably wonder why someone would subject themselves to limited calorie intake, over eating or even purging, but the reality is, eating disorders are controlling, just like alcoholism, drug abuse or smoking. The difference with an eating disorder, is you are not able to just quit eating. You cannot go to rehab, change your environment or group of friends and hope you never come in contact with food again. Everyone must eat, and in order to fully recover, you must learn to live a life WITH your trigger still a main focus. Imagine telling an alcoholic that they don't need to stop drinking, just adjust to a healthier relationship with alcohol! No! You wouldn't do that, so you can see why having an eating disorder is a total mental mind fuck. My eating disorder started in 2002. I was adjusting to a single life after a break-up and working as a manager for Bank of America. I worked long days. Matter of fact, I preferred to work as many hours as I possibly could. I would start my day with coffee, and typically grab a second coffee during lunch hours. After work I would grab drinks with friends and eventually get fast food at late hours. I was sleeping only 5ish hours a night. This went on for months. My weight started to drop, and other people started to notice how my work slacks were becoming baggy. I didn't see it as a problem and would just buy smaller pants. I went from a 10 to an 8 and then a 6. By the time I was wearing a 4 and eventually a 2, my mom started asking if I was okay. She accused me of purging after meals, but the reality was, I just wasn't eating enough. She pointed out that someone who was 5'10" probably should weigh more than 130lbs. Still, I didn't see it. I was actually angry that she would accuse me of throwing my food up. Then on 4th of July in 2003, I went to a party with friends. It was a potluck and I couldn't stop eating all the delicious foods my friends had made. I remember how sick I felt on the car ride home, and as soon as they dropped me off, I tossed my cookies. The next day I couldn't eat at all. This was around the same time I had become friends with my (now) husband. He noticed I hadn't eaten the day before, so he bought me a huge lunch. I was hungry, so I scarfed everything down. You can imagine how sick I felt, and somehow I remember the relief I had gotten the day before, so that is when my vicious cycle began. One day I would barely eat, and the next I would over eat (binge). This went on for years. Often unnoticed by others. Matter of fact, I had put some weight on my thin frame, and my mom stopped accusing me of throwing up. My disorder was controlling me, but it was also something that no one could control for me. No one really knew, and if they did, how could they stop me? My binging and purging took a back seat for sometime during both pregnancies. It was during this time that I felt comfortable talking about it for the first time with my family. I think since I had some recovery under my belt I could get it off my chest. Of course this just made for more concern and speculation, especially from my mom. Finally in September 2016, I finally hit rock bottom with my disorder. I was throwing up 2-5 times a day, and stopping at the grocery store to buy pints of ice cream to devour in hiding. I woke up on September 22nd, my husband's birthday, and couldn't hold it together. I was weak and worn out. I couldn't get through my work-out and didn't want to ruin my husband's day with my roller coaster of emotions. I called my mom and confessed how bad it had been for months. I don't know exactly what has kept me in recovery mode since that day, but I have over five months clean and continue to fight for my health every single day. There are days that are easier than others, but every day I eat and almost every day I have to think about what kind of relationship I want to have with food. It is difficult and there have definitely been days that I still stand in the pantry and eat several cookies in one sitting, but I remind myself of how I felt that morning in September and know I don't want to be there again, so I will do whatever i takes to not go back there. I am a huge advocate for loving yourself and body positivity, but the truth is, even I have days that I don't like my body. I try to love everything about it, but I refuse to let these minor setbacks trigger other issues. I know I will suffer from this demon for the rest of my life, but I also know I am a fighter. I will not give up, and hopefully I can help someone else with my story. If you, or someone you know, suffers form an eating disorder, call the national helpline at 1 (800) 931-2237 or visit www.nedawareness.org xo Shan

Monday, February 27, 2017

I'm bacccccck! 👋🏽

Hi! Are you still with me? If you are, bravo! I have starting working on a new project and figured it would be a great time to revamp my blog and get it up to date. I will be putting pen to paper and releasing all of my recent ideas, recipes and workouts soon!!! Stay tuned! Xo Shan